by Justin Bookey
In sports, business, arguments and relationships, “winning” often implies a zero-sum game, where there’s a clear victor and a defeated opponent. Winning certainly feels great in the moment, and can bring material gains, status and a surge of dopamine. But if there’s only one winner, where does that leave the others? They may feel dejected, envious or hollow.
“Success,” however, can benefit everyone involved. Consider breaking your personal best time in a 10K race, but finishing 12th in your age group. In a national championship, that would be recorded as a distant loss. But you made it to the Nationals, achieved a personal best, and forged great relationships. These are all significant successes.
Success is Inclusive and Lasting
Success encompasses winning, but also recognizes everyone who advances in their own challenges. This isn’t about participation trophies; it’s about acknowledging the efforts of all participants who overcome meaningful hurdles. Whether it’s a company bonus, a check-mark on a goals chart or an ice cream cone after a game, everyone who contributes their best effort and achieves some positive result deserves to enjoy some reward.
Is this framework absolute? Of course not. Our legal system often requires adversarial argumentation with clear winners and losers. And team sports can create long-term camaraderie and rewards for the league champions.
Success Enhances Relationships
Imagine a business negotiation where you “win” more value than the other side, but end up alienating them and others in your circle. What is the long-term benefit of that transaction?
Here are some specific practices to help you assess your wins and losses more holistically:
1. Evaluate long-term relationships.
Win, lose or draw, assess the impact of the outcome on your relationships with stakeholders. A win that strains relationships may not be beneficial in the long term. A deal that leaves one party feeling dejected or alienated may not be a true success. Prioritize outcomes that strengthen and maintain positive connections. These will only boost your likelihood of future opportunities and partnerships, with a network effect outside the original parties. (And the reverse is true, of course; even small burnt bridges may harm your reputation more broadly than you imagine.)
2. Measure personal and team growth.
Consider whether the experience contributed to personal or team development. Did you or your team learn new skills, improve processes or gain valuable insights? Growth and learning can be significant markers of success, even in the face of a loss.
3. Set and celebrate incremental goals.
Break down larger objectives into smaller, achievable goals. Celebrate these milestones to recognize progress, even if the final outcome isn’t quite as desired. Acknowledging small successes can boost motivation and morale. And you’ll learn to recognize satisfying wins in a variety of situations.
4. Don’t assume win-win requires great sacrifice.
From the start of any complex interaction, aim for solutions where all parties feel they have gained something valuable–and value comes in many shapes and sizes. Often a trivial-seeming concession by your side may be surprisingly impactful on the other side. Be open-minded in crafting win-win scenarios, and watch how you grow better long-term partnerships and repeat successes.
5. Gather meaningful feedback routinely.
Solicit feedback from all stakeholders to gauge responses to the outcome, and bake this into any project cycle. Use this feedback to identify areas of improvement and strengths to build on. This will help you develop strategies to replicate successes and avoid pitfalls in future efforts.
Success goes beyond a checkered flag at the finish line. A true success means all parties leave satisfied, enriched in ways that matter to them, and look forward to future interactions.
Source: Chief Executive